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  • helen brain - 244
    it s back to basics Be nice to myself Don t let the critical voice that nags at me that I m not doing it well enough gain a platform I m aiming for my best not for perfection Focus on the small things the sweetpeas the yesterday today and tomorrow bush my beautiful dog lying in the sun the chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven friends to visit babies to watch and enjoy That is where my richness lies I can rob my own life of joy or I can put the plug in and let it build up Bit by bit one three second moment of pleasure at a time Last night I went to the gym and a bellydance class was about to start so I joined in It focused on isolating the muscles one by one All my focus was on trying to move just one set of tummy muscles when it seemed like my brain wasn t even connected to them Maybe living with grief is like that Stop trying to dance wildly and get back to the basics Stand still and move one muscle at a time Shimmy slowly Tie a belt around

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=345 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - 243 River and Tributaries
    you like you re wrapped in fog and everything has lost its colour and pleasure and the slightest thing brings you to tears and you re too tired to do what has to be done but doing it is better than sitting in the fog you look for anything to take you away from the pain For me I tend to go down the tributary of what a bastard he was I didn t really love him he screwed me over story of my life which is just not true I loved him passionately and whole heartedly I didn t find him easy to live with but I never stopped loving him and his illness and death devastated me But being angry and victimised fills me with energy horrible energy and its easier to be really cross than really sad I don t do poetry But today I did If I could for just a moment rest your heavy head in the net of my fingers and kiss your forehead and look into your lazuli eyes I would say to you I forgive you for going And Don t forget me And I would feel the glass sharp blood smeared

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=344 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - 342 Surviving and thriving
    would have to face the fact that I was actually quite a useful member of the household and that although he thought he did everything actually I did my share and brought in half the money He wouldn t be able to live comfortably on what he was earning He provided the bread I did the butter and jam Yes his anxiety would be more under control if he had total control of his environment but how long would it be before he realised that controlling his environment wasn t the full answer and that his anxiety was still crippling and he needed to work seriously on it Maybe we were just bad for each other Maybe I was the reason for his anxiety He certainly had high standards for me he wanted to me to keep a perfectly clean and organised house to earn a full income to be slim and healthy and look good to be a fully committed mother to prepare three meals a day and to be fulfilled in my career and personal growth If I could be and do these things then his anxiety would dissipate And for 25 years I felt constantly guilty about myself and my lack of achievement in these areas I loved him so much but I couldn t be perfect And now without him I feel relieved and sad I suppose if I d died I would just be the mother abandoning him He would have married again quickly I m sure to a duller cleaner thinner woman Or maybe he would have chosen someone else like me who wasn t perfect so that he could continue to play out his anxiety disorder through her The thing that he loved most about me my creativity my spark my warmth and survivability were also the things that caused him most grief And the things I loved most about him his ability to turn chaos into order his moral integrity his shiny eyed enthusiasm when something moved him were so often hidden behind his agonized everyday existence He really suffered And I feel guilty that I wasn t perfect as he needed for his well being and annoyed that I endured such unreasonable demands for so many years Next blog entry Comments Helen the Blogger on 04 October 09 Punkass Now you ve got me curious Punkass Who are you that you knew us so well You re right though I think My feelings about him and our marriage now are part of the grief process And when I think what he went through the last 15 months of his life the shocking news the painful and undignified surgeries the fighting to live the chemo and radiation and the hope being knocked out of him again and again I m not surprised that he was so angry He was grieving then Just as I grieve now punkass on 04 October 09 You were a crazy couple But complementary like no other couple

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=343 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Money and Wealth
    few years of our marriage I had no access to the bank account He gave me the money for shopping for clothes for baby stuff My feminist friends were horrified As our 25 years together progressed we continued to work out our emotional issues in money I overspent knowing hoping that someone would rescue me when I went too far into the red Luke deprived himself of basic cheap pleasures like a bar of chocolate a bottle of nice wine or a new cd and then in a fit of anguish splurged on things like a new car designer clothes or 10 CDs all at once He was angry with me for indulging in too many small pleasures I didn t see why I should stop when he got really expensive treats that cost a hundred times what mine did About three years ago we realised we had to grow up He got firm with me and insisted I start contributing more to the household expenses So I did But there was always the feeling in me that someone would save us if we got into shit So now here I am the sole bread winner with no family to fall back on no one to save me Except inside myself It s a hugely terrifying thing to face the world alone for the first time knowing there s no one behind you financially But as my very firm very wise financial adviser says Use your fear to motivate you I feel very rich in terms of resources both inner and outside myself that can be used to build wealth And wealth is not just a million bucks in the bank but also friendships and interactions with people and things that cost nothing like a view of the mountain a

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=342 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - 340 Mother God
    and not questioning So here I am on the side of the river being disobedient and asking questions Of course sometimes I long for the soothing embrace of mother god It s not mother god whose the problem It s just that I want to be an only child Next blog entry Comments clara on 23 September 09 Helen at least you can rationalize what s going on around you My 4 1 2 year old granddaughter s predicament is that she keeps asking why G d doesn t speak My best effort is to tell her to listen to the wind rustle the leaves on the trees and the birds sing and the water run and see the birds fly and whatever I fancy I just can t make him talk cs clara on 23 September 09 Helen at least you can rationalize what s going on around you My 4 1 2 year old granddaughter s predicament is that she keeps asking why G d doesn t speak My best effort is to tell her to listen to the wind rustle the leaves on the trees and the birds sing and the water run and see the birds fly and whatever I fancy I just can t make him talk cs srj on 23 September 09 But if there are no new questions to ask no new answers to explore i think I d go mad with boredom or else my head would just be a boring computer with no imagination no creativity no real sense of self other than being yet another identikit automaton within the system don t your imagination and creativity need Big Questions to fire them up Helen the Blogger P S hope you are feeling better now xxx HeatherB on 23 September 09

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=340 (2016-04-24)
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