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  • helen brain - Money
    prepared all my spreadsheets and went to see the bond woman What surprised and delighted me was that she was so impressed with my spreadsheets And I realised how much I ve grown up since Luke got sick I used to plead creative ignorance of money All that money legal stuff was boring and complicated and Luke liked being in control of it and I left it all to him We made many really stupid financial decisions based on our emotional needs among them not having enough life insurance and I m dealing with the upshot now So now I don t have debt I keep a record of my expenses I think before I buy things not expecting them to provide balm to emotional wounds I manage my money like a grownup And the thing that I have come to realise is that not keeping records spending with the hope of the money miraculously appearing when the day of reckoning arrives letting money control me makes me miserable and stressed So thanks to my spreadsheets the bond lady says it shouldn t be a problem So good things do come out of shit things Next blog entry Comments Isnotabel

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=439 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Doing what's hardest
    day 1 The aim is to get 21 days in a row at which point apparently a new habit has been formed Anyway yesterday I made myself face my scariest fear of writing serious fiction for adults It s one of the reasons I m so paranoid at book parties there s nothing more vicious than a blocked creative So I sat down last night with music blaring which helps no end and followed the trail of breadcrumbs through the forest It s a case of switching off my left brain as much as I can while my right brain sifts through the words and images It s like digging up potatoes Your eyes are shut and your hand feels in the cool dark soil for the tubers It was fantastic I loved it It was so good to get back to writing again I can t wait to get going again tonight Next blog entry Comments Lolly on 29 April 10 Thesis Don t mention the thesis kath on 29 April 10 You go girl What a brilliant idea thanks for the link I love your imagery of the cool dark soil looking for tubers jen on 29 April

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=438 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - More about jealousy
    all flashing tongue and smacking tail like a leguaan cold and armour plated and I start searching out the frauds and the show offs and the pushies and the self promoters and hurling mental lightning bolts at them while pretending to be a nice mature lady person I can t find the persona that other people seem to develop at these events I want to jump on a stool and shout you re a terrible writer your only real talent is for self promotion and why the hell is no one paying attention to me but if they do then I want to die of embarrassment Oh it s hard being a writer So that s my quest now To understand why I m so opposed to promoting my writing and to taking risks at it and why I m so horrible about those people who do both Here s a picture of Father Boniface who admires his reflection in the chalice while he is celebrating mass Next blog entry Comments clara on 28 April 10 Oh Helen there is no need to tell them they are bad writers you know there are ways to make them feel so lol lol Shannon on 27 April 10 I feel very leguaan ish when I read your beautiful words Those schmoozy book parties sound awful Lisa on 26 April 10 Yes I definitely GET this Screw the self searching There are a lot of phonies and self promoters at these events so you are correct in your response Embrace the reptile I say I always bring my lizard alter ego along to book launches all the better to drink up the free wine Gill on 26 April 10 Helen you actually TURN PEOPLE INTO WRITERS Which is a lot better than having

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=437 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - jealousy
    Poor Grace she should ditch Rodney he has no hope against Charles Saatchi and someone needs to tell him that quickly Gill on 22 April 10 Oh hang on I think I just figured it out by looking at the picture Nigella is the English woman who does the cooking on TV right Helen I sooooooooo wish I could do art the way you do you re brilliant Gill on

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=436 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - more compassion
    on it Never a moment s rest with your enemies And I don t have any energy to waste anymore Not one droplet I m exhausted inside Cut to shreds by the hardness of life without Luke Missing him grieving the awful thing that happened to us trying to console my children when I m only an inch away from inconsolable myself I have to give up I can t afford to be vigilant anymore Let them annoy me I have the deadly weapon of compassion that brings down all tirades of irritation envy annoyance and it s not fair I m better than them but nobody realises it cos they re all mean to me I can t promise I ll still feel like this on Thursday But today and tomorrow I think I ll just sink into the floaty pink arms of compassion and have a little rest Next blog entry Comments patty on 21 April 10 you re right Gill can t imagine what I was thinking Shannon F on 21 April 10 When the organism is grieving and hurting everything is magnified and perspective is lost I have found myself in such a state of rage because of loss Love kindness and compassion really are the antidotes I act as if I feel like being kind until the kindness unfolds naturally for a while Besides being mean and finding fault is always based in fear and hurt a method of self protection when we feel particularly vulnerable and feel that we have to protect our inner forts with a bit of fire breathing But it always hurts me more than them in the end Thanks for the beautiful Being soothed by my kindness to myself makes me realise how jagged and sharp I customarily feel inside

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=435 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Compassion
    blocked again Not enjoying working procrastinating everything a little out of control My balance out So I lay in bed and let myself feel that in fact I ve had a really hard time and it s still continuously challenging And I put down the survival weapons and felt compassion for myself that my life has taken such a difficult turn and that I am so stretched to try and construct a new one The interesting thing is the instant feeling of relief Being kind to myself is soothing and comforting And I need both Next blog entry Comments Shannon F on 19 April 10 Hi Helen Yup always has been and always is the answer Compassion I need it when I am trashing myself not liking myself judging myself critisizing myself for not doing enough being enough it s the anti dote to my not enoughness Its like putting some sunlight into a dark cave where only negativity reigns The minute I show compassion for myself I feel better and like I deserve another chance and can go another round Like you say I am very good at showing empathy and compassion for others but phew Compassion for me

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=434 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Wade the Volcano
    10 Wade the Volcano Wade the Volcano gets very jealous when other more successful writers get invited to the London Book Fair He s complained to both Renee Zellweger and the Icelandic Commisarate for Culture and Literature but no one

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=433 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - The hardest thing
    misses Luke more and more Luke was always great when it was time to go back to school He helped them prepare for the term tidy up their rooms find their clothes and sports kits talk about what they wanted to achieve found their textbooks and just generally made a comforting ritual about the beginning of a new term He rounded it all off with a treat a meal at the ocean basket or pizza takeout Pip really misses that I m trying to do the things that Luke did but its not me he wants It s so hard The good news is that more people want to buy my pictures so I m going to go and find out about printing them Very thrilling and daunting What if they stop being fun and become work Can t let that happen Next blog entry Comments Gill on 15 April 10 hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs jen on 15 April 10 And the terrible thing is I hate to tell you is that it comes and goes in waves for years never really goes away and it is the one thing that you are powerless to change

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=432 (2016-04-24)
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