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  • helen brain - Favourite people
    horror of Luke s illness and death and Emily is full of life and juiciness She is delicious and funny and calls me Honey On Friday we went to have tea at Oude Molen and there was a beautiful little girl wearing immaculate very expensive clothes pink tights a denim romper with bloomer legs and a little jersey with roses embroidered on it She was being looked after by an au pair and Alexia and I exclaimed about her gorgeous clothes and how sweet she looked Then Emily pulled up her jersey and said baba s shirt Now her mother believes in recycling so Emily s clothes are sometimes a little eccentric tights made from striped t shirts dresses made from her mother s jerseys trousers reconstructed from men s shirts But this is why I like spending so much time with them Alexia is intuitive and hugely intelligent emotionally and she reached over and stroked Emily s tummy round and potbellied with little blue veins showing through her soft skin and the little girl with the fancy clothes disappeared while she reassured Emily through touch that she is the most beautiful and adored child in her life It was a very tender moment they were engrossed in each other It s wonderful to watch very good mothers looking after their children I was always trying to find a way to escape when my kids were small I would have started working out how I could reproduce the denim romper suit discussed her work environment with the au pair anything not to have to engage with the boredom of looking after children I was always striving for something more Alexia s learned how to be in the moment with her child and I admire it hugely Next blog entry Comments

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=481 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Facing emptiness
    planning and forethought And awareness of my emotional state and how I eat without even noticing it It s like turning the fucking QE11 around changing my eating habits You can t let up for a minute Can I do it Do I believe I can do it this time after so many failures As long as I stay aware Next blog entry Comments clara on 15 September 10 Still thinking of you and reading your crazy blog Wish you a very happy happy birthday Forget about the weight just celebrate indulge yourself shannon on 13 September 10 Helen today we are all happy that you were born for purely selfish reasons cause if you werent born you wouldnt have been sharing your wonderful self with us and we wouldnt have had warmed heart coccles smiles on our faces and so on Happy Brithday xxxx srj on 13 September 10 Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Birthday and one more HAPPY for good measure sharrie on 13 September 10 Happy Happy Birthday for Monday Helen Have a fabulous day and best wishes for a year ahead filled with lots of love laughter and good health hugs and hugs Debra on 12 September 10 I have recetnly made a discovery which may or may not resonate for you thinking I was eating to fill an emotional void never hit the spot for me I realised I was eating to numb my emotions as an alcoholic would drink or a drug addict would get high to not feel

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=480 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Luke's birthday
    then only if the kids wanted it About a week before he died he said I think I ll have KFC for lunch today So James jumped into the car and went off and bought a bucket with all the horrible side orders that come with it coleslaw and chips and mashed potato with that nasty synthetic gravy And he sat up in bed and picked at a piece of chicken and ate quite a lot for him at that point Then he wiped his hands on the paper serviette and said Well that was disappointing First time ever he d let himself indulge in junk food and it disappointed him It reminded me of Jacquie Onassis who on the day she was diagnosed with breast cancer went into a restaurant and ordered four desserts She d never let herself eat them before Luke was the complete opposite of me Under stress he emptied out clearing out clutter and things that weren t clutter and still had a use he couldn t eat and needed emptiness to negotiate his stress When I m stressed I feel that getting more will make me safer Eating more will both comfort and strengthen

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=479 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Agent X
    the burning operation down the bottom of the garden Specially not the garden boy who must never be given any indication that the females in the house were fecund According to my mother who could barely mention menstruation the town council had sent around a note asking ratepayers not to throw their used sanitary towels in the rubbish bin but to burn them So she gave me a large brown paper packet from Knowles Supermarket and told me to put my dirty pads in there and hide it at the back of my wardrobe until Agent x got around to burning them in an old oil drum next to the duckpond at the bottom of the garden Agent X was a very busy man with lots of his own projects to attend to and he only lit the fire about three times a year Meanwhile the decomposing pads lurked in my cupboard Little insects would emerge from the unbleached cotton and start running around It was completely repulsive So my question is Was this normal Did everyone behave like this in 1972 And did the town council really forbid the disposal of sanitary towels in the rubbish bin Next blog entry Comments Jen on 07 September 10 I got the bag of Dr White s and the belt and a book from the Methodist Bookshop called what every girl should know I don t actually think it did have everything in it at all Then when the time came I was given an upped allowance so that I could buy my own stuff yikes the hours I spent trawling the supermarkets trying to pluck up the courage to grab a packet and the joy when stick on ones appeared on the market think we tossed ours in bins wrapped in

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=478 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Bit by Bit
    for their sophistication or sensitivity and half way through the party they discovered the chart So they sat on the sofa in a row guffawing at their wit and stuffing their skinny pimply bodies with cake and tea and when I came passed Andrew Baker the local wit and that s only half of it jabbed his finger at the chart and said Helen we re trying to work out why you re not 6 foot 4 They fell about laughing but I was mortified Too young and insecure to come up with a suitable dis I barely made it through the rest of my party Stupid fuckers So I struggled on convinced that I was obese and disgusting all 63kg of me Then it was time to get married I worked in the local library The Weighless group met in the hall I d go straight after work This time I was paying for the classes and my flawed reasoning went thus I m paying the money so I should lose the weight regardless of what I eat And if I turn down the offer of cake when there is a party at work then I deserve to lose an extra half a kilo for self control It was a reward system and I had it taped I only weighed 63 kg but they decided I needed to weigh 54 54 I suspected it was unachievable but I was paying my money and the magic had to work I didn t bother too much with the diet I was stressed about the wedding I started a new job I missed Luke away in Oxford for a whole year I ate to console myself My metabolism was young and healthy Over the 16 weeks I lost not an ounce of

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=476 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - sick
    on 26 August 10 It s only been 11 days though it feels like 3 years at least Already Nikki has been reduced to an administrative hiccup There doesn t seem to be much respect for the dead One particular form we ve been sent is called a Death Questionnaire Tons of fuzzy and warms Makes it hard to grieve properly when you are forced to tackle anger suppression at the insensitivity of paper pushing tossers who see it all as a way to save a buck on the back of someones misery and pain and sadness But grieve I shall she is too good to have our memories sullied by beaurocracy jen on 26 August 10 Hmmm well you have to move on and it probably does bring stress and tension which probably does lower immunity to the 30 gazillion flu bugs that seem to be lurking around so be nice to yourself and remember that making new memories doesn t cancel out the old ones its just about getting on with life which we have to do because the alternative is a bit grisly On the other hand ie not the caring warm and reaffirming side I am not enjoying your snotty nose bug which I now have just went to meeting and almost dripped on client Shannon on 24 August 10 Hi Helen I hear a voice similar to my own in the wilderness I became intolerant and usually punished myself with lots of bad food whenever I got sick There was a frightened part of me that said up Up UP You cant be sick and pathetic KEEP GOING My internal parent who is an unkind critic hauled out the whip and did not allow me a moment s peace even though my body needed it

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=475 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Death bed
    so reminiscent of Luke s death she had the same disease She was peaceful and quiet and surrounded by love and care everyone in her family entirely present for her A beautiful way to die I left at 10 o clock and she died four hours later quietly while the house was quiet and only one person was on watch Luke s death was much more dramatic as he choked and appeared to panic but by that point it was a purely physiological reaction I don t think his emotions were involved It s a strange thing watching life leave a person s body I was very disturbed all night wondering if she had gone yet on a sub conscious level my brain was processing a huge amount and I m sure there will be conscious stuff to work through this week And now the hard part for them her suffering is over but the suffering of her family continues while they grieve The empty bed the half used bottles of pills the wardrobe with clothes that won t be worn again and the admin the admin the admin Death is a relief and a nightmare Rest in peace Nikki

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=474 (2016-04-24)
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  • helen brain - Stopping to Think
    and clean the grate because I m not gorgeous like them So who is the fairy godmother who s going to save me remake me and send me to the ball in an organic pumpkin I m completely crushed by the evil step family Everything they say I believe Even if the fairy godmother appeared I d have a hard time believing her The fairy godmother can give me gorgeous frocks and glass slippers as much as she likes but come midnight I ll be back to sackcloth ashes and varicose veins I have to get myself out of the ashes And the answer is not change the way you eat It s change the way you think I ve started a notebook When I get the urge to eat something instead of switching off and going for it I m stopping to think if I m hungry or if I m trying to anaesthetise a feeling I m keeping a record so I can work out what feelings make me eat to see if I can find a less destructive way to deal with those feelings Next blog entry Comments patty on 14 August 10 sounds good shannon helen ask your critical voice to leave the room while you do this exercise anon on 13 August 10 It s only you that sees the fat Helen Other people see how enormously talented you are and fun loving and kind and caring Shannon F on 13 August 10 Stare at yourself in the mirror make sure you can only see your face until the person in the mirror is staring back at you Stare until you can really see you Stare until you feel uncomfortable Stare until you feel uncomfortable about spending so much time on yourself and giving yourself

    Original URL path: http://helenbrain.co.za/blog_view.php?id=473 (2016-04-24)
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